Remember: Culture War Can Be Waged Back!
Category Archives: satire
A great tramping, barracking, bollocking man was our Father O’Pression. His writ ran the length and breadth, the highways and the byways, the up hill and the down dale of County Tooraloora. And to be sure, any of us boys at Saint Miseryguts had only to whisper a hint of a glimmer of a fancy of what we all wanted to do to witty, pretty Kitty McMahon behind Finnegan’s cowshed, when then, as sudden as the rains that fell from the shimmering, slatey-grey clouds above, he would appear before us, as tall and as terrible as old Finn MacCool himself, stinking of the bacon sandwiches he stuffed in his soutane, of the Jameson’s he swigged from a battered pewter flask and of the lack of the deodorant he damned as a wicked Protestant innovation, the wrath of a thousand Dies Iraes in his eyes, etc etc.
The N-bomb’s effects are as unconventional as they are severe. When detonated in a mid-air burst, the N-bomb blasts out the “Hard R” N-word at a volume that can be heard hundreds of miles away. According to defense officials, the specific payload of the Chinese N-bomb is a clip of Randy Marsh saying the N-word in South Park, hearable at a range of of 275 miles.
Much as Achilles was invincible save for a lethal weakness in his heel, America’s global military and economic superpower status is hopelessly vulnerable to the danger of a single word. According to defense analysts, just a handful of N-bombs detonated over America’s major cities would utterly paralyze the country. All universities and tech companies will screech to a halt to undergo mandatory internal discussion sessions and “reckonings.” The military and Wall Street will have their senior leadership paralyzed by crippling new affirmative action requirements. At least thirteen percent of America will become tired, and communications systems will completely collapse as all journalists and reporters will be irresistibly drawn to producing op-eds and lectures about systemic racism and white privilege.