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Category Archives: evanjellyfish

The world didn’t end today, as was predicted by some idiots

Apparently the world was supposed to end on September 23, 2017.

But, once again, it didn’t.

What part of “no-one knows the hour” do they not understand?

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Osteen won’t help flood victims; no Christian, he…

Incredible

Televangelist Joel Osteen canceled services at his Houston megachurch Sunday and has yet to reopen its doors — despite the fact that thousands of flooded-out residents are desperately seeking shelter.

The perpetually smiling pastor told followers on Twitter on Monday to lean on their faith.

“Jesus promises us peace that passes understanding,” he wrote. “That’s peace when it doesn’t make sense.”

But Osteen’s comforting words didn’t sit well with critics, who want to know why the doors to his 16,800-seat arena at his Lakewood Church near downtown Houston are closed.

“You have taken so much money away from your people to live like a king,” entertainment publicist Danny Deraney blasted. “It’s the least you could do.”

Washington, DC-based writer Charles Clymer tweeted pictures of Lakewood Church, which did not appear to be damaged by floods.

“It doesn’t make sense why you’re not opening up your mega church to house Houston citizens, help me understand that. Jesus,” according to Florida-based writer Emily Timbol.

While the church and its arena have not suffered any flood damage yet, ministry spokesman Donald Iloff said their property is inaccessible because of surrounding waters.

And it makes no sense to open church doors when the city and county are already treating thousands of flood victims at the nearby George R. Brown Convention Center, according to Iloff.

Oh, so government has got it, no need for anyone else to lend a hand. Is that it?

Vox nails it:

As does Chris:

Worship in a time of flood is not preaching. It is firing up the kitchen, making soup, and filling sandbags. You can clean up the church once the people have homes they can return to. But now we should be doing charity from our churches. For they are not ours, but Christ’s.

And our worship of Christ is costly.

Guess this demonstrates clearly, had there been any doubt in anyone’s mind; Osteen’s ‘church’ is not of Christ.

 

Witches cast ‘mass spell’ against Donald Trump; evangelicals over-react, freaking out in fear

Double, double toil and trouble,. Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!

Most of Donald Trump’s opponents believe they will have to wait four more years to see him leave the White House.

But America’s witches are more optimistic.

That’s the spirit! The can-do attitude that built America, and made it great!

At the stroke of midnight on Friday, followers of witchcraft across the US performed a mass spell designed to remove the president from office.

Clearly, it must have worked! Wait, no; Trump is still President, progs! Better try again…

A Facebook group devoted to the ritual has attracted over 10,500 likes, and coined the hashtag #magicresistance.

Ooh, a Magic Resistance! Now you see them; now you don’t! Amen! 😉

The development has sparked fury among Christian conservatives, who have accused the witches of “declaring spiritual war”.

Idiots. Witches have always been at spiritual war with our Lord; now they’ve merely extended their war into the temporal realm, against a head of state; in theory, at least: doesn’t look like their spell worked. But if at first you don’t succeed, try, and try again, prog witches!

Writer Michael Hughes, who describes himself as a “magical thinker” posted a version of the spell online, saying he had seen multiple versions on private witchcraft groups.

Ooh, Magical Thinking! What progs are known for…

In it, he suggests using a stubby orange candle, an unflattering picture of Mr Trump, and a Tower tarot card.

Wouldn’t you want to build a Tower of Tower tarot cards, to make it bigger and more powerful? Make Witchcraft Great Again! 😉

Followers of magic are told to carve the president’s name into the candle using a pin, recite an incantation, and then burn his picture in the flame.

The words of the spell include a plea to the Wiccan deities to “bind Donald J Trump, so that his malignant works may fail utterly” and so that he “shall not break our polity, usurp our liberty, or fill our minds with hate, confusion, fear, or despair”.

They needn’t worry; their minds are already filled with hate, confusion, fear and despair. (Too bad about the hate, but I’m sure enjoying their confusion, fear and despair, and you should, too! 🙂 )

Mr Trump’s supporters don’t escape either, as the spell asks that their “malicious tongues” be curbed too.

Well, have we deplorables been silenced? Nope! I guess our God is bigger than their Wiccan deities. 🙂

Mr Hughes suggests that instead of the normal closing line, “So mote it be!”, witches could burn the former Apprentice host’s image with the words, “You’re fired!”

Using Trump’s own words against him; so cute! Too bad it didn’t work. 🙂

The writer said he published details of the spell because he felt “it would be very welcome to a lot of people”.

Under the tenets of witchcraft, a “binding spell” does not wish harm on its target, but aims to stop them from doing harm themselves.

And yet they’re burning his picture in effigy. Doesn’t add up, does it?

MaryPat Azevedo, who took part in the ritual in Arizona, said she saw the ritual as “a unity prayer”.

She told the BBC: “A true witch would never cast a spell on anyone without their permission. This prayer is for wellbeing and peace for all beings.”

And did the Donald grant you his permission? Or are you not a true witch? D’Oh!

Ms Azevedo said she hopes to see “physical, emotional, and spiritual changes in Donald Trump and American politics”.

Me too. I’d love to see in Trump physical changes (him becoming even healthier, so that he may have a long, healthy and productive presidency), emotional changes (becoming thicker-skinned), and spiritual changes (hey, I’d love to see him become a faithful, orthodox, mature Christian). And I’d love to see all different manner of various changes in American politics, in a reactionary direction, of course.

Participating witches plan to repeat the spell on days when there is a waning crescent moon, until Mr Trump leaves the Oval Office. The next ritual is set for 26 March.

I’m sure President Trump is quaking in his boots!

Perhaps unsurprisingly, some of the president’s followers are less than thrilled.

Maybe a handful; the rest don’t know or care! 🙂

Joshua Feuerstein, an evangelical pastor who has previously condemned Starbucks for taking Christmas symbols off its seasonal red cups, issued an “urgent warning”, saying “millions of witches” were trying to curse the president.

“Their bippity-boppity-boo isn’t more powerful than the name of Jesus!” he declared in an online video.

Exactly, so relax, bro; the Lord has got this. Chill out!

The Christian Nationalist Alliance, a conservative religious group, named 24 February a “day of prayer” to counter the magical fraternity.

I’m sorry, under what authority do they declare the right to dictate to the rest of Christians to suddenly follow this festival / fast / whatever? They’re not a church governing body, but go nuts guys, if it makes you feel better.

In a post online, it called the witches “occultists” who want to summon dark spirits against Mr Trump.

True dat.

The group said it will urge people to pray every time the spell-casters reach for their candles.

People should always pray. They don’t need to think of this as some sort of contest where the side that prays the hardest will beat the other.

Thus far, Mr Trump has failed to comment on the battle between Bible and broomstick.

No, but he has disinvited you, BBC, to press briefings; that should give you an idea of what he thinks of your reporting and coverage overall, much less individual prog-straw-grasping-, silly ‘stories’ like this.

 

Russell Moore is a Soros tool

Now I know why he’s against immigration restriction! (Hat tip.)

Russell Moore? He’s one of the leaders of the Evangelical Immigration Table, a Soros front group pushing for Obama’s immigration agenda.

Figures.

 

‘Mission trips’ are bullshit

Church ‘mission trips’ are just church-funded vacations-in-disguise for teenagers / young adults.

We should do away with them.

 

Dispensationalists frantically adjust end-times charts to include Brexit vote

Ha! 🙂

bluebird of bitterness

FromThe Babylon Bee.

As Great Britain voted in favor of a motion to leave the European Union, premillenial dispensationalists around the world held emergency meetings Friday morning, frantically adjusting their prophetic charts to include the completely unanticipated new development.

“We’re thinking of calling this one ‘The Brexit Dispensation,’” Tim LaHaye told reporters as he hastily altered his precise wall charts to account for the new information. “We had previously thought that Saddam Hussein would be the one to usher in the one-world government, but that’s looking less likely now, so we’re going to make some official adjustments.” LaHaye added that the European Union might not be ushering in an age of one-world government after all, unfortunately.

Meanwhile in California, prophecy expert Dr. David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church reportedly made an emergency early-morning phone call to Texas pastor John Hagee. “John, have you seen the news? This isn’t in any…

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Oops!

Rachel Held Evans sure doesn’t know the Scriptures, but she’s smugly confident in her damned ignorance.

doh

(Hat tip.)