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Poetry Interlude: The Song of the Strange Ascetic, by G.K. Chesterton

14 Apr

When I stumbled on the story I linked here, I remembered the following hilarious poem of G.K. Chesterton’s.

 

If I had been a Heathen,

I’d have praised the purple vine,

My slaves should dig the vineyards,

And I would drink the wine.

But Higgins is a Heathen,

And his slaves grow lean and grey,

That he may drink some tepid milk

Exactly twice a day.

 

If I had been a Heathen,

I’d have crowned Neaera’s curls,

And filled my life with love affairs,

My house with dancing girls;

But Higgins is a Heathen,

And to lecture rooms is forced,

Where his aunts, who are not married,

Demand to be divorced.

 

If I had been a Heathen,

I’d have sent my armies forth,

And dragged behind my chariots

The Chieftains of the North.

But Higgins is a Heathen,

And he drives the dreary quill,

To lend the poor that funny cash

That makes them poorer still.

 

If I had been a Heathen,

I’d have piled my pyre on high,

And in a great red whirlwind

Gone roaring to the sky;

But Higgins is a Heathen,

And a richer man than I:

And they put him in an oven,

Just as if he were a pie.

 

Now who that runs can read it,

The riddle that I write,

Of why this poor old sinner,

Should sin without delight-

But I, I cannot read it

(Although I run and run),

Of them that do not have the faith,

And will not have the fun.

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17 Comments

Posted by on April 14, 2012 in poetry

 

17 responses to “Poetry Interlude: The Song of the Strange Ascetic, by G.K. Chesterton

  1. Will S.

    April 14, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    The Logical Vegetarian

    “Why shouldn’t I have a purely vegetarian drink? Why shouldn’t I take vegetables in their highest form, so to speak? The modest vegetarians ought to stick to wine or beer, plain vegetable drinks, instead of filling their goblets with the blood of bulls and elephants, as all conventional meat-eaters do, I suppose”–Dalroy.

    You will find me drinking rum,
    Like a sailor in a slum,
    You will find me drinking beer like a Bavarian
    You will find me drinking gin
    In the lowest kind of inn
    Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

    So I cleared the inn of wine,
    And I tried to climb the sign,
    And I tried to hail the constable as “Marion.”
    But he said I couldn’t speak,
    And he bowled me to the Beak
    Because I was a Happy Vegetarian.

    Oh, I know a Doctor Gluck,
    And his nose it had a hook,
    And his attitudes were anything but Aryan;
    So I gave him all the pork
    That I had, upon a fork
    Because I am myself a Vegetarian.

    I am silent in the Club,
    I am silent in the pub.,
    I am silent on a bally peak in Darien;
    For I stuff away for life
    Shoving peas in with a knife,
    Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.

    No more the milk of cows
    Shall pollute my private house
    Than the milk of the wild mares of the Barbarian
    I will stick to port and sherry,
    For they are so very, very,
    So very, very, very, Vegetarian.

    Gilbert Keith Chesterton

     
  2. Will S.

    April 14, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    The Englishman

    St George he was for England,
    And before he killed the dragon
    He drank a pint of English ale
    Out of an English flagon.
    For though he fast right readily
    In hair-shirt or in mail,
    It isn’t safe to give him cakes
    Unless you give him ale.

    St George he was for England,
    And right gallantly set free
    The lady left for dragon’s meat
    And tied up to a tree;
    But since he stood for England
    And knew what England means,
    Unless you give him bacon
    You mustn’t give him beans.

    St George he is for England,
    And shall wear the shield he wore
    When we go out in armour
    With battle-cross before.
    But though he is jolly company
    And very pleased to dine,
    It isn’t safe to give him nuts
    Unless you give him wine.

    Gilbert Keith Chesterton

     
  3. Svar

    April 14, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    This man is genius. That’s why he became Catholic haha.

     
  4. jewelledcranberry

    April 15, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    @Will, comments off on my blog. Got death threats, believe it or not, plus accusations of being a child abusing racist who ought to have her kids taken away. Laying low for a bit, thought about deleting altogether since I have a headache over the internet in general lately and would prefer it did not exist at all. Withdrawing into my home and garden is preferential to basically being a cubicle monkey, on the computer all day, with my couch taking the place of a desk chair.

    We’ll see what the next few weeks bring.

     
  5. Svar

    April 15, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    That was out of the blue, Cranberry. You seem distressed; I remember you having to shutdown your other blog and change your identity due to a stalker. How are you a child abusing racist?

    Do you want to talk about this in private with us?

     
  6. Svar

    April 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    We, the men of the Patriactionary, are a bunch of assholes and we haven’t recieved even a single hatemail. I feel a little jealous. But don’t worry Cranberry, I’ve been called a domestic abuser and a Klansmen and Will’s been called an immature man-child and Matthew’s been called a nasty-tongued racist creep.

    ElectricAngel, Ulysses, and 7man haven’t been so fortunate.

     
  7. jewelledcranberry

    April 15, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    How are you a child abusing racist?

    My post on the Hitler satire piece from my alma mater’s alt-weekly newspaper raised lots of ire, along with the posts on forced adoption, which a few woman took as “you think all sluts should have their babies robbed from them because they couldn’t wait to have sex until marriage.” Some people have no reading comprehension.

    Besides, I really have been busy at home, and was spending too much time on the computer and not outside where I need to be. I’ll probably be down to 1-2 posts per month. My kids have been a handful lately, I’m rundown and not feeling so great emotionally. I need a break from reading all this negativity for a bit.

     
  8. Svar

    April 15, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    I’ve noticed that hysterical women with low-reading comp tend to go after other women, but they don’t have the audacity to go after the men. They especially love to attack mommy bloggers.

     
  9. David Collard

    April 15, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    I got the official attention of FSTDT. I had hysterical manginas and feminists at my blog for a few days, until they went off to be indignant about something else.

     
  10. Svar

    April 15, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Yeah, David, you probably remember when all the FreeJinger cunts came and trolled Alte’s old blog?

    Cranberry, don’t take it too seriously. I seriously don’t understand why you got the death threats-you atleast try to be fair and level-headed. Most of the time I try to be as inflammatory and offensive as possible.

     
  11. David Collard

    April 15, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    The funniest part is when they shriek at you about how intolerant you are.

    Irony – not for liberals.

     
  12. Will S.

    April 15, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    @ Cranberry: Sorry to hear that. Consider it a backhanded compliment of sorts, as Svar suggests. You’re obviously doing something right. I can understand if you need a break, but I encourage you to be strong in the Lord; besides, I’m sure they are just empty threats from angry keyboard feminazi warriors.

     
  13. Svar

    April 15, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    David, you know what they’re excuse is? They claim that they shouldn’t be forced to tolerate the intolerant-lol. The best comeback to that is saying, “fine, you don’t have to tolerate the intolerant and we don’t have to tolerate the intolerable”.

    I wonder when we can stop hiding behind the “tolerance” label and describe the situation as it is-a zero-sum Kulturkampf. No quarter, no mercy.

    I know for a fact that deep inside they want to exterminate us and wipe away the memory of Christ from the land just like they tried in France, Russia, Germany, Italy, and Mexico.

     
  14. David Collard

    April 16, 2012 at 1:12 am

    I didn’t think what I wrote at my blog was that bad. They should have seen some of the other stuff I wrote at other people’s blogs. Really, what I wrote would almost have fitted in to Readers Digest, circa 1970. It used to be common sense.

     
  15. David Collard

    April 16, 2012 at 1:14 am

    One of them, with the stupid handle of QuietDove, complained that I was a fascist, because I politely asked her to go away. I had cleared all their abusive comments, including her drivel. I hope it was a her. I hate to think that a man could be so fey.

     
  16. Will S.

    April 28, 2012 at 12:53 am

    Cranberry’s blog is gone.

     

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